


The cause of death of Osama bin Laden

by KayleighMcCamyo



Series: Groupchats of One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer [4]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Crack, Dicks, Humor, I am so sorry, M/M, OT4, Trash Talk, also this is how osama bin laden died, always dicks because mikey is one, dick meassuring, dickpic, groupchat, implied ot4 - Freeform, theyre all dicks, this is why zayn has left the band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 05:46:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4467680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleighMcCamyo/pseuds/KayleighMcCamyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke: … we‘re talking about dicks…</p><p>Ash: … and Mikeys not here.</p><p>Cal-cum: … Should we call the police?</p><p>Luke: exorcist?</p><p>Ash: strippers?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The cause of death of Osama bin Laden

Calum Hood (Cal-cum) has started a groupchat. He‘s invited: Luke, Ash a Mikey.

 

 **Cal-cum** : Why have we never meassured our dick sizes?

 **Luke** : Because Mikey has got the biggest dick and you are the biggest dick.

 **Ash** : I feel deeply hurt.  

 **Luke** : I think Ashie has the best dickgame.

 **Ash** : awwww, Lukey^^ *kissy face*

 **Cal-cum** : I think Lukey has got the biggest dick.

 **Ash** : well, possible.

 **Luke** : guys have you ever seen mikeys dick

 **Cal-cum** : yeah, but not hard, ready and leaking.

 **Ash** : oh my dear god no why am i an author why can i picture it vividly i hate myslef don't pleahse no

 **Luke** : im not gonna jerk off infront of you jerks, so you can creep on my beloved member.

 **Ash** : don't worry, love, i promise noones gonna creep on me, but you.

 **Luke** : sush, ash.

 **Cal-cum** : oh, about the writing thing, aren't you a lyricist, lukey? This verse is really catchy, i can feel the rythm to it…

 **Luke** : Fuck you, Calum. And seriously, no wanking infront of you wankers!

 **Cal-cum** : *pouting* then why the fuck woud you start a band.

 **Luke** : i hate this band.

 **Cal-cum** : you say that just because you have the smallest willy.

 **Ash** : and because you are a virgin.

 **Luke** : for your information, I am punk-rock.

 **Ash** : HEY THAT'S MIKEYS SENTENCE HE ONLY CAN SAY THIS SENTENCE-

 **Cal-cum:** speaking of which

 **Ash** : wait.

 **Luke:** … we‘re talking about dicks…

 **Ash** : … and Mikeys not here.

 **Cal-cum** : … Should we call the police?

 **Luke** : exorcist?

 **Ash** : strippers?

 **Mikey** :  DO YOU JERKS REALIZE WHAT TIME IS IT?!?! THAT THERE ARE PEPLE WHO WANT TO HAVE SOME REST AFTER 3 DAYS OF HARD WORK?!?! LITERALLY WHY WOULD ANYONE WAKE ME UP IN THIS UNHOLY HOUR IN THE MORNING??! But yes im all here for strippers, exorcist and the police porn.

 **Cal-cum:** …love, it's 5pm

 **Luke** : we have like 3 free days in a row

 **Ash** : and you like 2 days in a row do nothing but play lol and eat pizza.

 **Mikey** : EXACTLY WHAT I SAID!!???!

 **Cal-cum:** omg

 **Luke:** Im leaving this band

 **Ash:** I’m joining the vamps.

 **Cal-cum** : whos fucked up idea was to start a band

 **Luke** : idk but they must have been nuts AND complete stupid shitbag.

 **Ash** : i have absolutely no idea what an idiot would want to join this band, like, for real.

 **Cal** - **cum** : like i totally don't get what a fuck of an nutjob would be a bassist here.

 **Ash** : and what a piece of shit would play drums here.

 **Mikey** : WAIT U WANNA MEASSURE DICKS??!?!

 **Cal-cum** : uh-oh.

 **Cal-cum** : Maybe, when im thinking it over, it wasn’t the brightest idea… to bring that issue up in this band.

 **Mikey** : THIS IS THE BEST IDEA THE STUPID BASSIST HAS EVER HAD

 **Ash** : maybe you shouldnt invite him to this groupchat.

 **Mikey** : IVE GOT THE BIGGEST ONE ANYWAY

 **Luke** : I hate this band

 **Mikey** : BUT JUST SO IT‘D BE FAIR

 **Cal-cum** : Everyone hate this band

 **Mikey** : *sending a pic*

**Luke:**

**Ash:**

**Cal-cum:**

**Ash** : oh my god

 **Luke** : IM LEAVINF OH MY GOD MICAEHCL?!?!?!?§,§?

 **Cal-cum** : well.. he… wasn’t… well i see… oh my god he wast‘n lying  

 **Ash** : well, no, he wasn’t.  

 **Luke** : OMF MICHAEL WH WOD YOU SEND SOEHTNGI LIKE SHITS TO YOUR FRIENDS?!!?!?!!?!!??!!?!§,,

 **Cal-cum** : It’s… oh dear, how does that even….??? Fit !!??!?? to only one picture? ‚“!“?!?

 **Ash** : He must have… he… he probably must have hold his phone like, by his nose? So this… so this thing… would… would fit in…?  

 **Luke** : CLIFFROD WHY,!,PP!Ů I DMENADMD TO KNOW WHSY,!?!?!!?? CLIFFRO DW HY,?!?

 **Cal-cum** : Yeah, probably… yeah, he must have… you know, take a speciall… oh my god.  

 **Ash** : it's.. oh ym god, how do you even… is it – literally how do you even… fit it? In your skiny jeans??!

 **Luke** : YOU ASNAT SEND TPICTRUEST LIEK THIS CLIFFDORFE LIKEAR E YOU EVNE AVRAKE WHAT YOU CNANT,!?!?!“ LIDTRRTALY YOU CATANT JSUSR LEDVE PDRICTERS LIEK E TSIHI IN UORT FROUPCHATR?!?!S?!?!??!

 **Cal-cum** : this is.. enormous.

 **Ash** : do you have EFP for this?  

 **Luke** : I DINTN WHAT TO SRR TJIS,!!?!

 **Cal-cum** : Does the American military borrow this to defend the Gaza Strip?!

 **Ash** : This is how Osama bin Laden has died?

 **Luke** : MICLHALEE YUO CNATN SNE F PCITRUERS OF UR HADR R DOKC FO UR DRIENDS? !Đ[]>ßßß$úú)Đ]@&?!

 **Cal-cum** : I see where does all of your brain blood go.  

 **Ash** : literally how could you masturbate with this literally like half an hour it's gonna take you just for one slow stroke from you balls to the head of it

 **Cal-Cum** : literally you can't even… can't you have, like, sex? With person? Doesn't it… like, are your lovers even alive after this???!!!

 **Luke** : OH YMFUCKIGN GOD IVE STARTDES THIS BAND BECAUSE I THOUGT IT'S GONNA BE FUCN TO PLAY MUS IC AND MAYE TO HVAE FANS?!?!?

 **Cal-cum** : Can someone please calm Lukey down

 **Luke** : NAD ONT T O DEALE WITH BESTFTRISNDR S WHO SRENDT PCITRUES NONOE WNANETD TO SE E,!?!?!“!“l!“l“

 **Ash** : I’m… a bit worried about him.

 **Cal-cum** : he's sitting beside me and is hyperventilating.

 **Luke** : …

 **Ash** : probably some  kind of a seizure.

 **Cal-cum** : i don't know about that, but he’s hard in his pants.

 **Luke** : …!!!!&@®€]]\Đ&đĐ@÷×÷ß$Łł™!!!!!!!!!!

 **Ash** : touché.

 **Cal-cum** : on the other hand, lets be honest. Im hard, too.

 **Luke** : …

 **Ash** : well you are not alone, my friend.

 **Luke** : …

 **Mikey** : awww,

 **Mikey** : stop the praise and someone come up here to blow me off

 **Cal-cum** : ok coming just a sec

 **Ash** : on my way naked to ur room

 **Luke** : … guys you aren't serious, are you.

**Ash has left the conversation.**

**Luke** : u kidding, right.

**Cal-cum has left the conversation.**

**Luke** : … it's just a… joke.  

**Mikey has left the conversation.**

**Luke** : …

 **Luke** : …

 **Luke** : … guys?

 **Luke** : … please tell me those sounds aren't what i think those are

 **Luke** : …

 **Luke** : … so ash really has a daddy kink?

 **Luke** : … oh my god.  

 **Luke** : … guys?

 **Luke** : …omg no waIT IF MY BAND IS ACTUALLY PRACTISING GROUPSEX I WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE A PART OF THIS I HAVE S TRA TRDED THSI FCUKIGNC BADN?!?!?!!!!

**Luke has left the conversation.**

**Author's Note:**

> I -


End file.
